Posts Tagged ‘unworthiness’

I had the privilege to be given a stage two weeks ago to stand in for a friend to conduct a sharing on thoughts. They were a bunch of university students.

Noticing that the crowd was able to grasp what I was sharing on how reality actually works for each of us; similarly and differentiatedly; I took it a step further to introduce the methodology of dissecting thought systems. I invited them to give me their train of thoughts and they gave me pretty relevant ones that were revolving around their current stage of life – exams, assignments, assessments. As I led them to see the meaning that has been put onto each thought, and more – we arrived at the theme thought for that night – failure.

So we worked with ‘failure’, finally recognizing the perception on failure churned out the other superficial thoughts on the surface level. It was expected that all of them perceived failure as an unpreferred circumstance to be in and that it is unacceptable not only to society, but to themselves. It was obvious – fear. Yet to me, fear alone at this juncture was not the ultimate but the ideas of what failure is to each of them; to me too, a long time ago; hence producing fear as effect. As we dissected further on the meaning of failure, they begin to see the other side of failure or rather the potentials that failure of a situation can bring forth. Some nodded their heads in agreement, while some kept silent as if I was about to lure them into the trap of being a failure. Those whom were silent were deep in thought while the class was given a moment to take in what was being shared and conversed. And in a while, one of the participants put his hand up and asked, “If I don’t have a fear of failure, how could I have a goal to be successful? It is because of this fear of being a failure, that I would work hard towards a goal to be successful.” I smiled. It was truly an innocent question.

I did not answer him, but replied him with another question instead.

“Do you have to have a fear of hunger now to know what you would like to eat for lunch tomorrow?”

He seemed a little shocked with that question, at the same time realizing that that question led him back to his own answer, which was “No.”

I went on explaining that we can have a goal and to some extent, even plan the steps towards it. But the trick here is to let go of the plan and come what way. The fear that is seemingly driving us towards the success is actually already telling us that we know what our future is like; and in a thwarted kind of way, we are actually already creating that for ourselves.

Our job is to do or be our best now, for now, and not for some imaginary future because there is none! Of course, it sounds like a swell ‘plan’ and to actually be something like that requires quite a huge amount of courage to surrender to what is, or perhaps, what is to become. The courage has to come beyond from the timidity of being involved in the limited ideas that one has already been conditioned or rather ‘gotten used to’ or ‘resigned to’ as the way of life in the world. Yup, learned through observations of surroundings not to mention the added on elements of being convinced by the people around. And nope, there is nothing wrong with that, too.

A memory now pops up of a conversation I had with a friend who called for counseling last night. She realized that all the decisions that she makes always backfires on her. She already recognized the manifestation of her experiences, or more true, her perceiving of what seemingly happens were related to some self-sabotage and unworthiness patterns. Yet what she wasn’t really seeing is that all her apparent choices were made from the same patterns of which led her to the same thing almost 100% of the time! She wasn’t really ‘moving out’ of the box as she struggles to justify her choices. She was in a merry-go-round chase. You know, like the snake biting its own tail. Perhaps the best thing she ever did ‘out of the box’ was to pick up the phone to dial my number!

Since she was a student of A Course in Miracles; though in my egoic opinion, not a very devoted one; I invited her to invite the *Holy Spirit into her decision making. And she asked a very pertinent question, “How would I know if it was the Holy Spirit’s Guidance to make a particular decision?”

I smiled (and yes, I have been smiling a lot).

“When it is unconditional.” I answered.

“Unconditional? What do you mean?” she asked shockingly, coming from a background of needing to do something for a purpose, a reason (geez, don’t we all?).

“Simply unconditional” I repeated. “When you could not find any reason to why you feel like doing it, do it! And be open to where it takes you!”

She laughed, as if ready for the adventure. Well, I don’t know actually… that was how it sounded like to me.

Any form of goals, decision makings when made out of information and perception of past experiences could never bring you out of where you think you are stuck. As Albert Einstein said, “You can’t solve the problem at the level it was created.” It means to say that you need to ‘get out’ of the problem and when I say that I am in no way implying that you run away from it, but merely move yourself to another level to look at the so-called problem. At that level, you will see the cause and effect of it. When you finally see it, it becomes the end of everything. This is the sense of anew-ness, where clarity, trust and surrender become a prominent pattern in the so-called process of Life.

Of course, you can’t realize one without knowing another. And it is not possible to push or ignore one to pursue another. I’d say that the entire process of disengaging past conditionings moves you backwards – backwards because you have gone way forward in a dream… another word for it is ‘undoing’. Without the undoing, what we all are is simply effects, effects of rotten thought systems. For all you know, when you are ‘done’ with the undoing, perhaps you would still be moved to make the same decisions, except this time, with a fresher perspective which is nearer to what it truly is! Good luck!

*Note: Holy Spirit is merely a terminology used in A Course of Miracle and does not denote any religions connotations. Holy Spirit in this context can be any word so chose by one – for all I care, it can be Wisdom, God, Life, Universe, or perhaps even D-O-G. 


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spoken too soon
without Wisdom
it came a visit
knocking on the door
once again
a recurring of memory
apparently happening now

but is it really happening now
or only happening in thoughts now
churning out an experience
primeval yet familiar
opposite of Reality

asleep, awake,
asleep and then awake

unconscious, conscious
unconscious and then conscious

if only, if only

yet is it not obvious
a gift it is

the unreleased to be released
the ungiven up to be given up
the unforgiven to be forgiven
the unloved to be loved

only one purpose
only one purpose

the non-goner, a goner
and finally back to a non-goner and a goner again
an endless end
yet it’s ok
all iz well

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Logically, we all know that money and relationships are not related. Yet in today’s world, it is in the statistics that money becomes the cause (or so they think) of misery in relationships.

Money, to many, has become a congruent trigger point for disharmony in relationships, and I do mean all kinds of relationships. During my younger days, a close friend of mine experienced an abusive relationship camouflaging a surrounding theme caused, or rather, triggered by the illusionary value and security that money provides.

It is as if money has some kind of illusive power and capacity to cause the insecurity and instability of mankind to the point of single-handedly destroying his own surrounding relationships. Scary, but somewhat true.

Yet, is money really the cause of all those arising emotions? Or is it more likely to be true that the meaning already exists in the mind hence giving rise to the meaning of power to money; observing how on the facade money can solve most, if not all, problems.

Now, I am neither denying the power of money nor am I advocating another meaning of it. Yet, without any meaning of that it is all powerfully saintly or evil, there is potential for money to gain its position rightfully and appropriately in a place in our society, our world in creating a balance within one’s life and within a community so to speak.

What I discovered about money is that it does have some kind of place since its existence is already undeniable. While many shun money as a root cause to greed and ‘evil’, it can very much potentially channel goodness, love and appreciation too. Not that Love needs money, but it can serve as an expression of Love rather than an expression of greed based on the intent of exchange.

Be thankful to money. No, not for the stuffs you can exchange it with. But be grateful to it for the experiences that it brings you even if it is an unpleasant one so to speak; for without it, it might not be possible to know the potential causes that are subtly haunting the relationship. When appreciation and gratefulness is in the response towards a seeming cause of money being a trigger in a relationship, something can actually begin to shift as the parties begin to work inwards towards the causes of such experiences and emotions rather than putting money or worst, the other parties as target of blame.

Nothing outside of us can ever be the cause of any discomfort that arises within us. Seek within and be liberated through realisation.

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I grew
And then it took over
And it took over eversince
Because I grew

The more I grew
The more it grew
Taking over, rapidly though quietly
So that no one will know
So that no spotlight can be earned

I grew
And then it took over
And each shout out of frustration
No one understands

Although Love acknowledged
But acknowledgement just simply could not ground
Because the more I grew
It grew together with me

And today I grew a little more
Yet this time a little more than it
Because it has become clear to me
And clearly seeing it now am I

Now I see its wounds from before
The shame unhealed
A shame brought now
Hidden growing further shame
Propelling, breeding its own hurt

Yet strangely after expressing openly
The shame is not that shameful afterall
All it took was a little guts
And now there’s left that little bit more

Ain’t it strange how the system works
So simple yet it takes so much
Imagine the inner battle for a year!
Goodness Gracious Maloney Me!

But it’s heartily ok, my dear old friend
No nothing has ever been lost anyway
I’ve just unknowingly gave you a little long haul
And now I’ll just give you a loving bear hug…

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You tell me
Love is what I am
And all I need to do
Is to undo the blocks to Love’s awareness.

If that is the case
Why do I need to learn
How to love myself
Or even attempt on
How to love myself?

Is it not true
That if Love is what I am
I would not need to tell myself
“I need to love myself”
Lest at that moment
I am not of Love?

If I have no knowledge
On how to love myself
How do I go about loving myself
And self love myself
Lest I am already Love?

If I can’t even be
What I want to be
What I wish to be
Having to follow what is prescribed
To actions of what others refer to as self love
Surely I must not be loving myself
Or only mimicking that I love myself
When inside me
I am boiling with much hatred and anger
From unrecovered deep hurt and resentment.

And wouldn’t that bring me
Far more further away
From where I already am
Lest I am already Love
A realised One.

Let me realise instead
That I am Love
Rather than teaching me
How to love myself

Teach me instead
How to recognise what I am not
So that I can see it for myself
What I am not
And soon realise that
I am that Love
I am that Light
That I hear you see in me
That I hear you speak so often of.

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I couldn’t sleep last night. It took some deliberation and conscious intent in order to put myself to sleep for at least a good three hours before waking up this morning. There is also an awareness that there is a loss of appetite today and after work, all I did after dropping off some friends off was to head home, had a glass of barley, a nap, some writing, some reading, some work and a bath. It was dinner time and I knew it was time to eat although the body showed no indication of hunger albeit without food the whole day save for an energy bar and a cup of coffee in the early morning before work. Again, a conscious action was performed to eat at least a little something. And the whole day, there were waves and waves of vulnerability surfacing and simmering off and the only thing that I could do was to stay present to it since I was not mindful enough to catch the initial cause of it. It was interesting to note that the whole mechanism of such set up arose because there was a belief of “I am unworthy to eat; also unworthy to sleep” being supported by some sense of uselessness. And this was only known through a sheer questioning of “what’s wrong” as if speaking to another me, in me.

Recalling Byron Katie’s story prior her awakening where she felt not even worthy enough to sleep on a bed, it seemed as if all kinds of awakening carries some tail end of self loathe, self judgement and feelings of disgust of the self. There was indeed a statement I read somewhere that the final frontier is in fact – self consciousness. Final seems such a far-fetched word yet it made me wonder, was not the journey all the while towards self consciousness itself?

The truth is that most of us, if not all are constantly trapped in an illusion. Seldom do we realise we ourselves are the illusion until of course, there is awakefulness to it. Yet momentarily, when awakefulness is not sustained, it is popped back into it to a mind made drama believing as real.

We often hear the words ‘love anyway’ and I could not agree more that it is not only about loving another anyway but also about oneself. Yet to use the word ‘love anyway’ is as if to imply that there was no love before. Perhaps the appropriate word to use is to embrace it non-judgementally. Much like embracing a child of our own, this is afterall, our own inner child that we are embracing. A friend shared with me earlier that if we allow ourselves to dive into those feelings and feel it without being immersed in it, it is likely that we are able to identify firstly the type of emotion or feeling and thereafter its own meaning of the emotion or feeling eventually arise naturally. Can’t deny that it takes much courage to consciously experience that and learn from it since most of the time, when such feeling or emotion arise, there is often already much resistance towards it. At times, embrace is difficult too, but at least, don’t reject it. Same thing, just opposite sides of the same coin and it doesn’t really matter which side we work on, as long as it is undone.

Self Realisation is delicious although the path that leads to it often has a taste of unpleasantness and vulnerability. Yet without such, how else can invulnerability be experienced? It is a long journey and I am pretty sure it will end, some day. 🙂

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at first, there is no choice
until there is awareness of a conscious choice;
by then, there is no more choice again.

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For such a long time now
I could not reconcile
How it is so
That when we are alone
There is much admiration
Yet in the midst of company and work
Resentment could creep in.

And I cannot deny
There had been moments of unconsciousness
Where there is blame and irritation
Either kept in or blurted out
Making you wrong, dumb
And at times unreasonable
To support the sense of righteousness
Drawing me further away from you
Albeit secretly still in awe with you.

Yet deep down I knew
The button is here and not there
I just could not see it
It was just too deep seated
Hovered by too many storylines
Of the past, the present and the future
Of what has been, what is, and what will be.

Today, I realised
Indeed a revelation
How I kept failing you thus myself
Lifetime after lifetime
Though walking in reverence
Yet burying deep resentment
Holding on yet keeping it silent
Each time burning me momentarily
When you did not live up to what I believed you to be.

Yet you stood still as my silent teacher
Either through extending a loving voice
Or backing off with your illness
Bringing either smiles and warmness to my heart
Or arrows to my defiled heart
Allowing me to taste my own greatness
Yet at the same time
Not fully able to appreciate you.

Oh Teacher,
Having meet you again
Though not recognising you at first
Not wanting to recognise you after
Forgive me, this ignorant fool
How I had been so blind
Making you an enemy
When indeed, you are truly just my friend.

As the weary heart cries out in deep sorrow and regret
While being escorted by gratitude and love
Fully acknowledging your presence now
In my journey once more.

Oh Beloved Teacher
How I am grateful you are still standing today
And breathing in life through that seemingly frail body of yours
For somehow it has given me the opportunity
To meet you once again in grace, anew
To finally come to peace with the uncalled expectations
The irreconcilable before
Now fitting into pieces
Leaving you your reinstated innocence
From the magnificent yet quiet role you play
In my voyage home to be.

And now it is my own woes I work with
In forgiving and loving
Having yet to make peace with myself
Another layer unravelling
Playing out in my field
For holding on to you for so long as my scapegoat
For the ignorance I could not see in myself then.

At least now, you are finally free.

*Dedicated to and deep gratitude to my first female teacher in the Dharma this lifetime*

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There was a saying that to keep a man’s heart is to tie him through his stomach – that is, a woman needs to be a good cook or at least be able to cook his favourite dishes to keep her man. I remember someone telling me that too but I never got around to cooking. Not that I don’t enjoy cooking, but I guess I didn’t want to do it to keep a man. I want to cook because I enjoy it, and during the times when I cook, I love it!

In fact, this is just a common example what most women do in order to keep their men. It is amazing and it can be in the form of anything – losing weight, dressing pretty, cultivating similar interests of what their men enjoy, sex, changing their behaviours and etc – all for the sake of keeping their men. And like it or not, some relationships with these kind of theme end up with the meaning of betrayal as its end – as a mere reflection of how one has betrayed herself in a relationship.

And paradoxically, in the world if there is no change or blending into each other’s interest, the marriage becomes somewhat empty or meaningless, doesn’t it?

Many people do this – as in change themselves just to make their beloveds happy and I am beginning to see that while it is a common trait in women, it is one that is also becoming more and more common in men too. I am not pointing out that it is wrong, for everything is merely a journey. I remember meeting a couple where the woman was brought up in a pampered environment where she never needed to do housework but met a man who loves to have his woman capable of handling house chores. The woman, being in love with the man, tried her best to do it while the man later dumped her because he thought she was not for keeps since she could not even manage basic house chores. It seemed rather silly upon hearing the whole situation, yet can anybody be put wrong in this situation? The woman needed to keep her man hence learned to clean, and the man upon seeing that she is not good at what he needs his woman to be good at broke up with her. The woman was really broken hearted and regretted much that she even attempted to change herself in that sense.

So perhaps many would say that the man didn’t really love the woman? I’d say that the woman didn’t really love the man too. Well, at least not yet because both were still coming from the need of doing something or being done to.

Anything that is done from the space of keeping someone is a form of an attack and comes from the space of fear hence the response back will be exactly the same. Even if the man was to appreciate but it would soon break the woman’s heart when the man’s attention is no longer 100% on her – also another reflection of self betrayal in that sense.

So you ask, does that mean that we don’t do anything for the beloved? Well, I’d say let’s check the intention behind it! Anything that I am doing to seek his love, appreciation, approval or to keep him happy obscuring my own integrity or own sense of being, I am actually betraying myself. It will only be soon that I’d find it a chore to do it rather than to please him and begin to loathe the whole act or worst, loathe the beloved for it! I remember meeting a woman who said that she was so tired and unhappy cooking dinner for her family as she felt that she had to do it to keep her family happy, failing to see that actually all her family wants for her is for her to be happy. Her eyes practically lit up when she realised that she didn’t have do it unless she wanted to!

And the funny thing is that when you realised you don’t have to do it, you’d finally want to do it from your own heart and there is only immense joy surrounding the whole act without any expectations from the outer because it makes you happy! Of course, when there’s hurt and disappointment when they start to complain or not appreciate the act, you’d know that it is just a reflection of the subtle sense of expectation which has crept in based on needs. That is alright too as it is just a sign to refine the intention behind one’s act from one that is based on needing something from the outer to a pure act of love and service.

So lovers, love because you love, do whatever for the beloved because it pleases you not because it pleases the other. If it pleases you to be in tune with your beloveds to address to his needs, be clear that it is what you wish to do and it pleases you and not the beloved. Then any act that you perform can only come back as a reflection of love and appreciation because any act that is done from needing something from someone has a meaning of compromise in it and we have indeed been falsely led by the need to compromise or give and take in a relationship. The word ‘compromise’ or ‘give and take’ somehow has a meaning of sacrifice in it, where I am sacrificing some of my needs for your needs to be fulfilled and vice versa. The thing is, this word itself is inaccurate for there is no such thing as sacrifice because at any one point of time, you are making a decision of what you want except that in ‘compromise’ and ‘give and take’, we consciously give up something we perceive we want when subconsciously wanting something else from others. It is obvious that it is the subconscious that finally determines the final decision hence it is in the subconscious where all intentions are known. When you ponder on the word ‘compromise’, you’d realise that there is nothing that you had sacrificed because you had actually maliciously wanted something from the other person. In this context, to compromise is indeed another act of attack to the beloved; and guess what, we do that most of the time when we are unconscious to our own inner world.

In being aware of the intentions behind any act, we can consciously choose again how to love one another fully without having the need to make anyone happy to keep them. So it is not about changing ourselves, or doing something to make the other happy or to keep the other person but more so of clearly knowing the motivation you are doing it for. When we become more aware of these patterns, then we become clear of what is more true within and able to consciously align the rightful intent and action to blossom the act into a pure act of love rather than one of attack.

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We were alone at home again last night. Usual times, it was fine. I’ve pretty much come to peace with the spaciousness of the home and also the loneliness of it when no one is around. After confirming that no one was going to come home, I set the alarm and put the little one to sleep. What was unexpected was the alarm triggered at about 1am in the morning. Usually, if it was a home resident who had come home unexpectedly, the alarm would be turned off by that person who walked in the door, but the alarm which triggered did not stop. It rung and rung.

I didn’t really know what to do. I stood a moment there and thought it would be best to go downstairs to have a look after ascertaining from the alarm panel which zone was triggered. At first I opened the room door, and after a while I stopped and thought it was safer to take the bat down which was hidden under the dressing table. The little one was still sound asleep and I didn’t want to startle her unnecessarily, so I closed the room door quietly despite the alarm ringing so loudly and walked down the stairs.

I held on to the bat tightly in my hands. I didn’t really know what was going to happen but was fully ready to embrace anything that came along the way with the bat in my hand (yes, I am aware I was at an attack mode  – yet, was there any other way then?). I checked all areas especially the triggered zone and found that everything was intact though the alarm panel still showed the particular area was triggered. Rationally, I set off the alarm.

I went upstairs again; pretty aware that there was no way I could have set the alarm on again since the vibration sensor was faulty in that particular zone. So I called my brother who was staying over at his partner’s to come home. He quickly said he will be home soon.

As I lay in bed with the little one, feeling shocked and at the same time fearful – effects of what had happened – I could not help but feel helpless, weak and vulnerable. As much as this is not the first time it happened but it hadn’t felt so bad the other times as I had either my partner or the guardian angel or at least my brother around; as if, not alone. But last night, it was a real overwhelming reality that I am here now – alone, helpless, weak and vulnerable with nothing I could do about it. I turned to look at my little one, I saw that those overwhelming feelings were arising from wanting to protect her from anything undeserving that could possibly happen to her. Of course, I also questioned who was I to judge what is deserving and undeserving, when all that has happened has nothing to do with that but with my inadequacy and helplessness of a mother of not being able to prevent that from happening.

A beloved friend texted me this morning and wished me Happy Full Moon and to remind me to have a moon cake. What would have been an additional perk to my usual morning cheer did not made me feel better. In fact, the morning just got worst when in the moment of unconsciousness, I threw words of attack to my partner who was working overseas. It was clearly uncalled for. But yet, it happened. Can I at least be at peace with myself for that?

Interestingly, this dwelling that I have resented for years has not only provided my family, pets and I a roof over our heads, housed many of our guests, invited beautiful creatures such as dragonflies, birds and even magical mushrooms into our fold but also, of late, lessons – lessons to allow me to see what other things I am still holding on to about myself. I have always thought that I wanted a smaller home, cosier space but the persistent hold of the nature for me to be right here in this home allowed me to see recently how my reasons for wanting a smaller, cosier home were defiled and had more relevance to what I thought about myself and not about what I like or dislike or what I want or don’t want. And that realisation about myself set me free a little bit more from the resentment I held on towards this present dwelling. Somehow, I have come to appreciate and love this home a little bit more.

And this incident of the triggered alarm is the same. I would have took it for granted again it is the big house, or because no one is home when all that was playing up was actually my inadequacy and helplessness as a guardian and caretaker in protecting the beloved little one entrusted onto me for my nurturing. Yet, can I finally come to peace with that too?

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