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Archive for October, 2011

For such a long time now
I could not reconcile
How it is so
That when we are alone
There is much admiration
Yet in the midst of company and work
Resentment could creep in.

And I cannot deny
There had been moments of unconsciousness
Where there is blame and irritation
Either kept in or blurted out
Making you wrong, dumb
And at times unreasonable
To support the sense of righteousness
Drawing me further away from you
Albeit secretly still in awe with you.

Yet deep down I knew
The button is here and not there
I just could not see it
It was just too deep seated
Hovered by too many storylines
Of the past, the present and the future
Of what has been, what is, and what will be.

Today, I realised
FINALLY!
Indeed a revelation
How I kept failing you thus myself
Lifetime after lifetime
Though walking in reverence
Yet burying deep resentment
Holding on yet keeping it silent
Each time burning me momentarily
When you did not live up to what I believed you to be.

Yet you stood still as my silent teacher
Unwavering
Either through extending a loving voice
Or backing off with your illness
Bringing either smiles and warmness to my heart
Or arrows to my defiled heart
Allowing me to taste my own greatness
Yet at the same time
Not fully able to appreciate you.

Oh Teacher,
Having meet you again
Though not recognising you at first
Not wanting to recognise you after
Forgive me, this ignorant fool
How I had been so blind
Making you an enemy
When indeed, you are truly just my friend.

As the weary heart cries out in deep sorrow and regret
While being escorted by gratitude and love
Fully acknowledging your presence now
In my journey once more.

Oh Beloved Teacher
How I am grateful you are still standing today
And breathing in life through that seemingly frail body of yours
For somehow it has given me the opportunity
To meet you once again in grace, anew
To finally come to peace with the uncalled expectations
The irreconcilable before
Now fitting into pieces
Leaving you your reinstated innocence
From the magnificent yet quiet role you play
In my voyage home to be.

And now it is my own woes I work with
In forgiving and loving
Having yet to make peace with myself
Another layer unravelling
Playing out in my field
For holding on to you for so long as my scapegoat
For the ignorance I could not see in myself then.

At least now, you are finally free.

*Dedicated to and deep gratitude to my first female teacher in the Dharma this lifetime*

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This feeling,
where does it come from?

Perception tells me
it is something else,
defining some possible grievance
not yet fully healed.

Yet if that is so,
why the smile so joyous?

And this feeling;
as if bursting with some vibration,
some trembling sensation,
ready to explode in elation!

Or perhaps,
what was before
all the while mistaken;
and now,
clear from confusion,
since there is no reason;
unreasonably.

There is no music.
There is no movement.
There is no conversation.
There is no contact.

Yet somehow,
mystically,
this feeling appears,
as if from beyond;
absurdly,
deliriously,
nonsensically,
hmm…

Warranting only –
some silly smile,
some ecstatic laughter,
some warmth in the heart,
some sort of embrace;

singing and being sung to,
dancing and being danced to;
like some lightheaded fool,
insanely in Love,
insanely in Love,
insanely in Love;
celebrating, being celebrated,
all occurring in One.

Loving, being loved;
the spread of flaps,
mindlessly oscillating,
returning to the middle;

and thereafter,
rested in sleep,
totally enthralled,
with a serene smile on the face,
not knowing where after,
not even mattering…
Just.

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performed by Alanis Morissette

Fourteen years
Thirty minutes
Fifteen seconds I’ve
Held this grudge

Eleven songs
Four full journals
Thoughts of punishment
I’ve expended

Not in contact
Not a letter
Such communication
Telepathic
You’ve been vilified
Used as fodder
You deserve a piece
Of every record

But who’s it hurting now?
Who’s the one that’s stuck?
Who’s it torturing now
With an antique knot in her stomach?

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
All this time I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Like an abandoned house
Dusty covered
Furniture
Still intact
If I visit it now
Will I simply re-live it
Somehow gratuitous

But who’s still aching now?
Who’s tired of her own voice?
Who is it weighing down
With no gift from time of said healing

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
All this time I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us

Maybe as I cut the cord
Veils will lift from my eyes
Maybe as I lay this to rest
Dead weight off my shoulders will rise

Here I sit
Much determined
Ever ill-equipped
To draw this curtain
How this has entertained
Validated
And has served me well
Ever the victim

But who’s done whining now?
Who’s ready to put down
This load I’ve carried longer than I had cared to remember

I want to be big and let go
Of this grudge that’s grown old
For the life of me I’ve not known
How to rest this bygone
I wanna be soft and resolved
Clean of slate and released
I wanna forgive for the both of us.

~.~

Thank you for sharing this beautiful song, Lynn

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only one me

They tell me, “I can never find another one like you.”

I tell them, “of course, because there is only one me in the world.”

🙂

~ GG ~

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there is somewhere there
which is here
yet not of here
beyond
the world
watching the layers
of multi-folds
of conditions
of cause and effect
of intent
of thought
of believer or non believer
of action
of ignorance
of wisdom
of evolution
yet not of it
though
spoken before
many a times
by many
yet not of the spoken
done before
many a times
yet not of the done
above the layers of multi-folds
but free to descend
to merge or immerse
with any of it
of choices
yet that too
some decree of deceit
when unseen
unclear
of whence the source comes from
though that too is fine
for what is here
yet not of here
beyond
is
emotionless, wandering
moving amongst
watching yet not really watching
still
being
joyful
for lack of a better word some says
if not
how else to represent
that somewhere there
which is here
yet not of here
beyond?

where is the there which is here
what or who
in questioning and not
in inquiry and not
in judging and not
in healing and not
in forgiving and not
if, there is still probing…
if, there is still doubt…

go on, go on
step back somemore
with ease
naturally
it shall soon be seen
what is there which is here but not of here
but beyond
and beyond
the beyond

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I watch you
believing
falling into a dream
delusional
tears finding their way
the voice breaking in murmurs
in rhythmic shadow hiccups
catching the breath of life
as if capable of losing it

You turn to me
reaching out your arms
requesting to be held for a little while
and it seemed necessary at that time
not that there is a choice
I embrace you anyway

If only I could tell you
how you were fine
happy, joyful
peacefully reading your book
playing with the iPad
watching the television
before the thought arised
before the memory arised
and the comparison of what has arised in thought and memory
with what is visually seen
experienced as opposites
that has caused the conflict
hence the feeling of missing
there after another thought
of not having—here and now
that arose another feeling of sadness
thus propelling into overwhelmingness
that resulted in your crying of woes
those sacred tears
of what they call “sweet”

Somehow you close your eyes
and fall asleep
tired from all those crying
and the funniest thing is
when you awake to greet the sun
the memory of last night totally wiped out
when I teased you
“do you know who is coming back tonight?”
you guessed and you guessed
kept getting it wrong
and asked if I could give a hint
ahh… such sweet innocence
and then you remembered
yet strangely
it didn’t really matter to you.

How odd
the contrast of
an arising thought
an arising memory
falling into dream
and
the absence of the same thought
joyfully living
simply.

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Imagine there’s no Heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today

Imagine there’s no countries
It isn’t hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world

You may say that I’m a dreamer
But I’m not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will live as one

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