Archive for May, 2011

Price Tag

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Where it hurts, I go back to the nearest point of source which can be grasped. Never mind that I have transcended, seen and realised the other hurts for what they are, but as long as I hurt now, seeing it as unreal will not help no matter how many times I tell and remind myself how ‘this is not real’ or ‘this is just an illusion’.

By acknowledging what is already in my space, is already half the battle won though that might not mean that the whole emotion is being uplifted. For what is unseen, to be seen or what is not yet recognisable, to be recognised is the other half of it. Whilst there are many tools in the market these days that aids and encourages the momentum of ‘healing’ so to speak, the process itself is very much an individual process. Sometimes we hear of people using certain tools and the whole emotion is being removed. That makes us wonder how come that doesn’t apply to us. That very much boils down to our intent – the very intent to get rid of it or run away from it so to speak instead of sincerely accepting what is already in our space without wanting it to be any different. It may sound pretty paradoxical and it could be that in the many times that I might not have seen it for what it is hence the ‘prolonged’ emotion. The sincere wish to be with it without judgement implies a state of disengagement from it. Being with it is not the same as being it. Being with it is a state of acknowledgement that it is here in my space and taking that responsibility to work with it so to speak in a detached manner. Even if the detached manner cannot be observed, then at least acknowledge that instead of trying to mimic another state which is not possible and somewhat detrimental to the already arisen situation. In fact, it is already an indication that some sort of resistance and denial is ongoing at the background. A participant asked me the other night what if the feeling doesn’t go away and there are things on the ‘outside’ to address, my advice to her was to stay present to the emotion, as in being with it rather than be it whilst in the midst of chores. If understanding or realisation does not surface, trusting the process that is underlying is important. I noticed that it is during these times that the skill of being aware is being tested and there are indeed two possibilities – one is that one really gets drawn into the emotion or grows pretty quickly from it. Well, I guess we can look at it from the point view of a ‘test’. That to me, is part of moulding the skill of awareness. In fact, I find that it is during this period that there is more cultivation of awareness in daily activities so as to be more careful not to ‘throw’ out unnecessary attacks to the world, though not so much for other people, but more from the view point of potential burden of unconscious or conscious guilt on oneself in doing so.

Being patient and gentle with the entire process is also crucial. Many of us often have a ‘hurried’ sense of wanting the tide to be over so that life can return to normal per se. Yet I notice that such a process cannot be rushed. Whether it is through surrendering or using some tools of inquiry or forgiveness, there is a certain kind of momentum that the mind takes on which seems necessary for the entire run through. That, to my suspicion though, is pretty individual; as if each mind phenomena is different and is set to a different time frame of healing or purification.

Having said that, I cannot reiterate further how important being true to the process is if one is to transcend it. It is not by sweeping under the carpet or mimicking a higher truth that such a pattern will disappear. It is by being authentic with it in acknowledgement and allowing the process of healing or realisation to happen at its own time through surrendering or forgiveness. Not that there is anything to be surrendered or forgiven since nothing really happened, but when the emotional wound is in realness where one cannot deny one’s own state of mind, it is indeed here where one can diligently begin work at.

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for what it is
though still trapped.

Where it is born
emerges little babies irrelevant to its own
yet fencing its existence.

Can birth be conquered
but to dandle with its babies
one by one
popping each baby
though unrelated
yet leading to each their internal birth.

It is not to slay per se
as to kill in violence
but through understanding
each of its restless cry out
to be acknowledged
can death then begin
in its cycle of destruction
on its own
perishing one by one
revealing its irrelevant yet relative mother.

Oh mother, mother
how about just revealing thyself
and in fullness you shall be embraced
taken and breathed in
in wholeness.

For it was only then not seen
for purpose taken as real
coupled with self judgment
and the worrisome approval seeking.

Show yourself mother, show yourself!
Ready now mother
to release you.

Let me hear you mother
hide now no more
what has been kept ancient
let me hold you and show you
how it was just an error
that innocence never left.

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A beloved sent me a YouTube titled ‘You Must Love Me’ performed by Madonna in one of her earlier movie, Evita. In his message was a comment, “so funny”.

Recalling the meaning of the song, and also rekindling with the song once again, I could not comprehend why his comment was such ence I wrote an email back to him, enquiring the contents of his comment “so funny”. He explained that it was funny because it was impossible to make someone love me, what more the word ‘must’. Based on whatever meaning that I previously already had of the song, I then explained to him that the song title or statement ‘You Must Love Me’ is more of a realisation, rather than a request in the context of the song. Seeing the possibility that I might not have understood what the title meant, I asked my loved one (who so happened to visit) if she had heard of the song and what her perceived meaning was. Her meaning was the same as mine. Being inquisitive, I switched on the YouTube again and relooked at its lyrics. True enough, suddenly the mind saw what the dear beloved meant was also valid! The invitation to look at the lyrics from a different perspective brought about a different meaning of the song which became more of a request than a realisation.

Words are merely words and nothing has changed, not even the arrangement of the sentences, punctuations or paragraphs; yet an invitation to relook at it from a differing perspective changed the entire meaning of the song. Of course, at the end of the day, the concluding meaning can only be true to the beholder due to many reasons such as how the movie was perceived to be portrayed, his or her own experiences and meanings put onto words. It somewhat confirms that it is not the words expressed but rather what colour lenses the mind is wearing in perceiving what is being expressed.

From my own experiences, I noticed that different mind states bring on different meanings onto words, situations and also people based upon what is being perceived at that point in time. Recalling the earlier course of my inward journey, whenever I found myself triggered or upset over statements conversed during an email exchange or internet chatting session, I would save up the email or internet chat after we end the so-called conversation. I know it might sound scary to some as if I am trying to collect evidence as remembrance of how this person has triggered me or for a scheme to launch my attack. I cannot deny that while these were old patterns I had prior to the inward journey, but by this time, what I was really doing was experimenting with myself how mind states affects what I see or read over the internet especially when I am unable to see the person face to face. In fact, seeing the person face to face can also be a distorted reality based on mind states. Coming back to the email and internet chats, I normally keep them for a few hours or a few days depending again on mind states. Being mindful, it is obvious to differentiate when the mind state changes due to the contrast of what it was before. State of mind changes can be due to varied reasons such as the inner work that I do or sometimes, merely a passing cloud. And usually after the switch of state, there is clarity of mind in rereading those emails and chats which was earlier perceived as triggering. The most common result is that I usually find the contents perceived before (that resulted the trigger) was not really what it actually meant. If I hadn’t been diligent enough to persist the integrity call to turn the radar inwards, I might have thrown out unnecessary judgement or resentment towards the innocent person(s) whom I was chatting with.

Having said that, the triggers are of course not to be ignored. It will be appropriate to begin wise-attitude inquiry and usually by the time it is cleared, understood or realised what the cause of the trigger was, there happens a shift in the mind with the clarity that it gains. In my experience where that happens, rereading those emails or chats again (in my case), the true essence of the messages is then revealed to me without censorship.

So next time, instead of lodging a fixed perspective on something, a situation or a person; perhaps invite yourself to have an opportunity to view things differently; especially when it so triggers. It may result in many little revelations that lead to further growth.

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How ignorant,
to think “I” create!
Who is the “I” that thinks that “I” create?!?
Meaninglessness of words!
Goodness Gracious!
How ignorant can “I” be?

Creation of Experience?!?
Another blasphemy!
Another profanity!
Oh how am “I” fooled,
to believe of such!

“I” can never create,
do “I” even know what “create” means?!?

How hilarious!
What a joke!
What a prank!
What a fairytale “I” has believed it to be!

“I” has misunderstood it all!
How naive! How oblivious!
What has “I” got to do with creation,
if at all there is a creation?!?

Indeed, it is creation that makes “I”!
But what and who creates?
In that subtlest, distinct sense!
Have you noticed yet?
Have you seen it yet?

Another delusion!

All by itself!

What has “I” got to do with it
except to see it for what it is!

Another cosmic joke, brother!
Another bogus!
Without Wisdom,
what an imagination to have lived!

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Have you noticed,
seeing, hearing, breathing, tasting, touching
all happening simultaneously
without ‘you’ having to interfere with it
liken to nature?

looking, listening, the inhalation or exhalation, the flavours, the sensations
are seemingly magnified
when attention is given to it?

Love – the word I have chosen
is already inherent
liken to nature
without ‘you’ having to interfere with it
but amplified
when attention is given.

Are there meanings, perceptions, projections?
Yes, and No.
Recognising for that they are
which is not it, yet is It
but an echo back
of the unconditioned and the conditioned.

Where It expands –
in naturalness
in wholeness
in fullness.

And that is all there is.

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To say I love you more than him, or her, or them,
is a lie.
But to express variance of intensity occurring,
is truer.

The intensity,
what they have referred to as ‘love’
is not love;
but a reverberation of mind qualities,
magnified, amplified;
perceived as ‘falling or fallen in love’.

There are many possibilities and conditions arising to it,
each fulfilling a purposeless purpose
of routed conditions,
of a will –
a dance;
so to speak.

beyond that
of what mind
can comprehend until realized;
in cognizance;
is Love,
that Unconditional Love;
despite all conditions
which is conditioned
by the mind
within the mind,
as Love.

It is not about a you, a him, a her or them,
not even a me or an ‘I’,
though perceived and experienced
as that.

For, there is none;
and it is beyond what can be envisioned
or explained
but to be realized.

So, even if it seems
as if in form,
there are two, three or even four…
do not be deceived,
as there is none
whilst there is many.

all merely
equating and leading to One.

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