Posts Tagged ‘communication’

Some people think that to have peace, is to ignore the person that irritates or hurt them.

If only they’d notice that even when all communication, meetings or even bonds are said to be severed – their reactions of anger, sadness, tears or even aloofness upon hearing the name or memories of this person already shows that the mere mention causes irritation or hurt without the actual physical presence of this person in their life.

If that is the case, then what difference would it make to ignore or not? The achievement of Peace was only imagined and rather conditioned in the so-called ‘absence’ of the other.

If only they could realise that whether they meet or not meet this person, what ultimately irritates or hurts them is not this person, but rather, the unconscious hanging on to the memorable perception of this person which can only come from an inner error of judgment and expectation within self.

And that, cannot have anything to do with the other.

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When people judge or conclude on the mannerisms of teachings and the people who are drawn to it, it just becomes very obvious that they are still putting something into the box although they claim to be getting out of it. Surely, at this moment, it also looks like I am also putting them in the box by stating this too.

I read an article not too long ago about a teacher who is apparently guiding his disciples towards awakening, advocating that it is still gentleness that leads people out of delusion, rather than harshness. Interestingly, a few weeks later, I had to edit a similar article. Personally, I found both articles quite funny as if trying to reason which mannerism is better than the other, or to achieve an understanding on why some are drawn to the respective mannerisms.

The reason why I find it funny is because it is impossible to define which mannerism is better and what more, which is better for oneself although one may very well have his or her preference. And to conclude that one is drawn towards one approach and not the other, ultimately is also limiting. I find that the drawing or resonance towards teachings or teachers’ behaviors has much to do with one’s own intention towards the whole objective of being in touch with the teachings or the teacher. It can be unconscious intentions of seeking comfort, love, approval or even to the extent punishment, depending on what seeds are growing in the abyss of the mind at the moment of seeking.

For one that is seeking the truth, I have observed, it doesn’t matter how the knowledge or information is being presented although at times, it can come as a shock and some form of discomfort can be experienced at first. But again, as mentioned, depending on the initial intention of the original contact, the mannerism adopted during the contact is secondary, yet becomes a necessary means to fulfill the conditions of awakening at the point of contact as part of the process. So to conclude that one is better than the other, or even try to reason why there is preference, is to totally deter the natural law of what is prudently, necessary and needed for the moment for the objective to be achieved in the midst of the process.

Being privileged to be in the shoes who have had experiences of sharing in both mannerisms (gentleness & harshness), those specific times were simply explored and surrendered for the benefit of the sharing sessions. So far, the comments which I have received in return were phrases such as a bright beautiful angel, a living Buddha, even a tough-love-no-nonsense-no-frills teacher/comrade. Yet at the end of it all, my true gift in return was not in the resounding words that came back to my consciousness, but rather, in being a witness to the process of awakening to their own clarity and freedom. And yes, I do get a grateful Thank You from them too. Secretly, I myself am thankful to them, and most importantly to the natural process that took place without my own interference and interpretation of it.

Definitely, the gentler approach would draw crowd and most times, popularity too. Yet, it would be equally redundant if the gentler approach was used as a means to that, as opposed to truly sharing or guiding one who is truly yearning to find out what is truly going on. But then again, the non-abiding laws of the universe can always be trusted – where the seeker will always find what he seeks, since no man can be hidden from what he truly and sincerely seeks.

Therefore, so-called seekers, if you truly seek what you are sincerely seeking, why bother on the type of mannerism or how it arrives at your door when the Universe is merely delivering to you what you are seeking?

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Loving is really that simple. Just loving, effortlessly.

It is only when beliefs and concepts start creeping in, that it makes the experience of loving a little harder hence propelling people to behave pretty strangely towards each other.  As if to stay away, it is possible to deny what is there; as if to stay away, it is possible to let time ‘heal’ the wound of not having; yet again, it is not about staying away or staying together. It is really about being awake to the moment, awake to the beliefs and concepts that one is still holding on in the mind that is stopping the experience of being maximal in full appreciation without guilt or regret.

Yet, does loving really stop? It doesn’t although it can be easily perceived that way.

It is really truly easier just to love, without harbouring the seeds of wanting, having, owning, judging, expecting, leaving, going. Yet, as long as there is still inner work to be done, do it for one’s own sake and not for another. What has the other got to do with all the concepts you have in the mind? The other cannot “add” to your reality. The other’s presence in your life, is ultimately only how you choose to perceive it to be and hence that becomes your reality.

Other than that, it is just as it is.

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Relationships fail and suffer in silence not because anybody is at fault, or that no one is good enough. It takes a little bit more than love, common interest and passion to sustain or nurture a relationship and I do mean all kinds of relationships which includes spousal, parental, friends, colleagues and etc. The one core ingredient that is most important but also mostly, unpractised by many in life, let alone in relationships itself is—visibility.

People get into all kinds of relationships for many reasons out of their preferences of choice and there is no right or wrong in such choices although that choice may be perceived as such by the society. It is like, if I wished to have a child; it is likely that I would find someone who would also like to experience the same thing, having the same objective in mind. Likewise, if I wished to play a game of tennis, I would find someone who enjoys a game of tennis. In that instance, both are in sync and in tandem with each other, moulding in togetherness towards the specific direction of such experience. Yet, at any one time, when one falls of out sync or decides to experience something else, it is natural that both parties may move away from each other and may find it difficult to ‘meet’.  In areas of those of couple relationships, such change of direction can lead to a separation, not to mention that one that may end up in pain and resentment. Yet, in my experience, the pain or the meaning of separation itself is hugely misperceived with a lack of awareness on the part of the self in terms of neediness based on fear patterns. Although this example seems to imply those of boy-girl special relationships but if you were to ponder deeply, it happens to almost all kinds of relationships/friendships.

I used to wonder why is it that one of my siblings is able to experience such intimate relationship with my dad and yet I find it difficult in doing so. I later realised that my sibling’s deep understanding of my dad was because he not only listened to my dad’s expressions of what is in him but also found ways to communicate with my dad to how he truly felt inside over certain matters important to him. The relationship is truly inspiring as there is much honesty and authenticity to the point that my sibling is open enough to point out dad’s errors and dad would just listen. For that, their relationship is constantly nurturing each other from the space of love, understanding and truth.

Clearly, it is my own error for not having the courage to express authenticity or even daring to be visible about what and how I truly feel inside. I usually just did my best to do whatever he wanted me to do, or simply stay away when I knew that state of mind did not allow me to be who he wanted me to be that day. No wonder, the ‘afar-ness’.  And all this while, I felt that he was the one who did not understand me when it was an arrogant thinking on my part that I understand him reasoning why it is better just not to let him know how I felt inside. In truth, it was my own limitation and lack of wisdom in carrying out my message to him that wouldn’t allow him to understand and see me. This is also a similar pattern carried in almost any kind of relationships. And guess what, we just kind of concluded other people’s sense of maturity!

Yet, visibility is not about revealing everything about us but rather, being necessarily honest and transparent enough in expressing and revealing that part of ourselves to people that we love. Quite contrarily to the thought system that ‘if I tell him/her this part of me, I will hurt him/her; or he/she will dislike or leave or not love or not accept me’, such authenticity and honesty actually nurtures the relationship in allowing another to understand you at an even deeper level. It is about being visible to another so that the other can finally see us clearly rather than playing the guessing game. Do you not find that it is much easier to be with someone whom you know is entirely honest about how he or she feels about things? It is like there is no pretence or feeling of hiding. Else, it is like playing a game of hide and seek and the aim is to never be found!

Hiding creates bondage in the mind. In fact, it adds on more to what is already in the mind especially when there is a hovering issue in the mind. Yet being visible in a relationship, as threatening as it may sound, actually brings the relationship to a higher level of trust, openness and love.

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If you are ever going to love
Love me now while I can know
The sweet and tender feelings
Which from true affection flow
Love me now while I am living
Do not wait until I am gone
And then have it chiselled in marble
Sweet words on ice-cold stone
If you have tender thoughts of me
Please let me know now
If you wait until I am sleeping
There will be death between us
And I will not hear you then
So if you love me, even a little bit
Let me know while I am living
So that I can treasure it

Your loving mum

*replicated by a loving mum to her beautiful daughter; also a reminder to us, to fully express love freely at any given time and place without hesitation, doubt and fear… Thank you MA*

~ originally written by the mother of Dr. Chris Anthon to himself ~

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Reality and fact are really quite subjective to the beholder. I dressed really simple to the mall yesterday and met a beloved friend there for a while. She shared with me this morning that eventhough I was dressed pretty shabby the day before, she noticed that people still looked at me because I am pretty looking no matter what I wore.

The truth is, we’d never really know if that is the truth. I shared with her that it is because she loves me, and she finds that I am pretty looking and loving in her perception hence whenever she discovers anyone looking at me, her conclusion is that because people must be looking at me because they see me pretty looking or loving. Yet, we could never really know what runs through others’ mind and even if what she said was exactly running in other’s mind, it would have nothing to do with her, or me. It is not about me being pretty looking or not, but rather, acknowledging how we project onto others our own views and perceptions of things, thinking that if I feel or think this way about something, surely someone else must feel the same way.

Projection are made out of means assumptions, conclusions and judgements yielded from what makes us, or rather, what is in the mind. The truth is that the mind can only project what it is and seldom does the mind perceive things as they are. Just today, my little one and her best friend also got into a misunderstanding just because of what they each thought the other was doing to each other. The little one was fuming over something else, while her best friend was running around looking for her not knowing what went wrong.

Misunderstanding of behaviour and words causes much misery to one’s heart and friendships. It either results in one drawing away, or moving closer to show concern and that concern is really not about the other, but more from the space of appeasing that someone so that one’s own discomfort is soothed.

I have a friend who recently realised that she projects onto quiet people that they are cranky or have problems because that is what would make her be quiet. That projection itself may cause her to redraw from the person whom she perceives as quiet, or to show concern (as mentioned above). Both her actions are to make her feel better in addressing ‘the issue’ that she thought was outside of her and for that, she will constantly be uncomfortable in the presence of people who are quiet. The truth is, we never really know the reason of why people are quiet or not, at least in this case. Not knowing is not that bad, because we can always ask; but to make an assumption or a conclusion without really knowing the truth is only propelling unnecessary misunderstandings amongst people or situations.

A participant posed a question to me yesterday ‘what if the other person is lying?’

You see, that question itself is also a projection. How would one know if one is not that? How about what if the other person is not lying and is simply telling the truth? Is it not possible to see and accept things or people as they exactly are? If they are not talking, they are not talking; if you feel like talking, you talk. If it inspires you to ask, “are you ok?”, go ahead and ask and this is acknowledging too, that it is because it is important for you to know. Even being concern itself, is for you and you alone… and if it so happens that the other is really not ok… go ahead and do your thing, which is to uplift another!

At the end of the day, it is not about what is outside bur rather, acknowledging what is arising in the mind in each of our own space. When we take responsibility for what arises in the moment, then is there a possibility to see things as they are; else, our views of the world will constantly be tainted by the past in the now.

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It is interesting that after many years of arriving late at a loved one’s place for the festive season, being married; I was early at the loved one’s place this year, being single – and yet what impacted me was the loved one’s constant comments on how badly I had brought up the little one. If I am observing truly, it must be the little one’s reluctance to greet a person as openly as how a parent or in this case, a very prone-to-entertaining-people-loved-one would like it.

Time and time again, the loved one repeatedly says, “teach her!” and time and time again, I ponder how to… do I teach her when the situation has not arise and merely feed her information when her interest at that moment is clearly something else, or simply play time with me; or do I take the opportunity to share with her when the situation arise, and that may mean the delayed greeting response to another which can be for a few hours, a few months, or perhaps a lifetime? In my own observation and experience with the little one, ‘teaching’ and ‘guiding’ a child is not a one-day or one-night thing and has much to do with appropriate timing and conditions.

I am prone to allowing my daughter to be as she is as I do not believe that she is rude or badly brought up as how the old school society would label a child if she has not achieved the minimum standard of manners. Having multiple conversations with her before, she has shared with me her shyness and her uneasiness in relating to someone whom she is not closed to or hardly knows. I can understand that sentiment and found her rather wise being able to express truthfully what is in her heart at such a tender age. As a mom, all I can do is to assure her that it is safe, or that it is okay whenever mommy is around (at least, for now); but it still boils to her whether she wishes to make that move or not. As I trust the pace of her own growth, she has shown me again and again that without my interference coupled with her openness to my constant impromptu sharing, she simply blossoms. As a parent, my job is to guide her to her own being, not to mould her into what other people expect her to be; yet strangely enough, the constant pressure from what is being measured as ‘old enough’ especially from a loved one can be pretty daunting. The tug of war within is really pretty hard to ignore.

It is interesting that when I share with friends who are on the journey about the experiences of the little one and I, the comments I’d receive are that if ever I come back the next life, they would like to be my child. And here, the loved one, who is one of my closest mirrors, reflects my being a not-so-good mom.  It is funny how perhaps if those friends who had expressed that they wanted me to be their mom the next life might change their minds if they were in the loved one’s shoes and the loved one might very well be very proud of me for my way of ‘bringing up’ the little one if the loved one was one of my friends on the journey.

I am definitely not a good mom by society’s standards or by anyone’s standards. And thank goodness, I myself do not have standards on how to be or what is a good mom. I do not need to teach my little one how to be a good person, for she is already one; I do not need to teach my little one how to be a useful person in the community, for she is already one; I do not need to teach her how to make other people like her because people already like her; I do not need to teach my little one how to make people happy because she already knows how to in her own creative ways and is wise enough to know that after she tries her best, she keeps to her business knowing that there is nothing she can do if the other chooses to remain in the experience of being unhappy.

My role as a mom, other than the usual requirement of nurturing, caring, loving is to highlight to her areas of concerns relating to her being-ness and it will have nothing to do with others’ or my expectations of how she should be, or even how I should be bringing her up with my role as a mom.

In truth, being a mom to the little one has nothing much to do with her but rather, with my own being-ness i.e. with what I am. She learns what she observes in me, and if she likes what she sees, she will be that; likewise if she doesn’t like what she sees, she will be the opposite of it. Other than that, in momentary differing moments, my job is to share with her with the intent to uplift her and to expand her views of her experiences as I would with anybody that crosses my path.

Good mom or not; seriously, how would I do? and why would I care? Without the incessant expectations of being a mom, wouldn’t I be better off just being the best of me, in every moment?

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